Having a new bundle of joy is such a blessing! But as you navigate becoming a new parent, it’s also difficult to keep your marriage as happy and healthy as it should be. As my husband and I experienced the joy of our baby boy, we also found ourselves drifting farther apart. We were struggling to reconnect in our marriage and find the people we were before the baby. Everything becomes about our little one, so much so that if you’re not careful it can negatively impact your marriage.
As we started to realize these things, on top of all the sleepless nights we were enduring, I knew something had to change. I wanted to reconnect in my marriage. One-fifth of all relationships split within one year of welcoming a new child. I knew that I didn’t want that for my marriage. And I also knew that God planned for me to be able to have both, a healthy marriage and fulfilling motherhood journey. Here are a few things my husband and I intentionally practice to reconnect as a couple. These things helped us to increase our intimacy and strengthen our relationship in a time when we were losing the connection that made us husband and wife.
I pray that you find solace and valuable advice in this post because I do understand that this struggle is not easy to overcome. But with a devised plan and two willing parties, you can adjust to life with a newborn with a successful marriage attached.
1. schedule a date night at least once every two weeks
I know this is so much easier said than done. Some days you will not feel like doing anything because of the lack of sleep or ability to take showers. But, a date night is a time where you can catch up on the emotions, thoughts, and feelings of your partner. These dates can include your child if you would prefer. the main point is to find time to reconnect in your marriage, no matter what. With a baby, it’s difficult to set out time to take care of yourself and your partner too, so planning is key here. Generally, I would take the first stretch of babies’ sleep to take a shower and do self-care. And as the day went on my husband and I would take the evening stretch to pour up some wine and cook dinner together. There were times where my husband and I would also go watch a movie at the drive-in. I can honestly say these date nights were much needed and helped us to get through those ruts where we felt that the other didn’t care.
2. have a family member stay with you as long as possible
Whoever, you trust that is willing to stay with you, let them! My mother was and continues to be my saving grace during this motherhood journey. When I was pregnant, my mother always would tell me that she was willing to stay with me for the first few weeks to help me adjust to having the new baby. I would oftentimes roll my eyes and tell her that I didn’t think it would be necessary. But boy was I wrong! I needed her now more than ever! When I delivered my son, and I experienced the pain after the epidural wore off, the tune I was singing changed! I called her and let her know that I would take her up on that offer. And to this day, It was one of the best things not only my marriage but my own health. When my mother was home, it allowed me to get rest, take showers, and do my hair. So by the time my husband came home from work, I wasn’t exhausted from trying to do everything myself. I could then take the time to cook dinner or spend time with my husband without falling asleep on him. We would also leave the house for a few hours to get fresh air without our little one. With my mom staying with us, it gave me time to reconnect in my marriage without the baby. I would highly advise that you ask early in your pregnancy if anyone is willing to stay temporarily. I would also ask multiple people so that even if someone has a change of plans or can’t stay with you that you can at least have people on rotation to help you on different days.
3. practice doing self-care with each other
Self-care looks different for everyone. Self-care can simply be you eating your favorite ice cream with your hubby! The key to doing self-care with each other is spending time with your partner doing things that they want to do. The person who chooses the activity should alternate. One week you can do something that you want to do such as watching a chick flick. And in the next week hubby should pick the activity such as playing his favorite video game, even though you may stink at it. This way everyone gets to pick an activity and it shows your spouse that you care and think about them when it comes to reconnecting.
4. Make sure that your spouse comes first
This is so hard to do! Naturally, as mothers, I believe that we put our kids first. And you making your kids first doesn’t make you a bad person. It is just something that we have to be aware of so that we don’t only become mothers while losing the ability to be a helpful wife. This point also applies to your husband as well. So what does this look like? This looks like sacrificing time to watch a movie even though you are tired, making your spouse’s favorite dish even though takeout is easier, or buying flowers on the way home to make your spouse feel better. It means being intentional in your actions to reconnect in your marriage. These small gestures let your spouse know that you care and that their desires are important.
5. SPEAK POSITIVE THINGS OVER YOUR MARRIAGE
There is so much power in the tongue! We oftentimes speak what we see instead of what we want to see. If your marriage is rocky, speak the opposite through your mouth. Speak life into your marriage! Instead of saying my husband doesn’t pay attention to me, say my husband will come home and spend time with me. This is not something that you have to go through! Now, what I will say is that as you speak these words, provide actions as well. Speak positive and give positive action such as telling your spouse that you love them, picking up their favorite candy, or providing an act of service. I have linked some positive affirmations to speak over your marriage in hopes that it will give you a place to start.
Babies and marriage about beautiful things! But they are often difficult to balance. At times you may feel that you are failing at the role of one or both positions. I am here to uplift you and let you know that wherever you are in your walk that things can and will get better. Your marriage is worth the effort and your motherhood journey is worth making the best of. As a wife, you must find the time to reconnect in your marriage as the family dynamic is affected when you and your husband are not at your best. This is also his role as a husband to be willing to listen and pivot in order to make your marriage as successful as I know it can be.
Please share this post on social media, if you feel that it was helpful to you. I appreciate it very much!
Sincerely,
The Imperfect Woman
These are all great and we’ve incorporated many of these in our relationship!
Yes it’s the little things they don’t tell you about having a baby. Everyone has so much unsolicited advice about what to expect when your expecting but they don’t tell you about the after. This is such a great post!
The part about putting your spouse first and date night really resonated with me. We had the boys really young so in the beginning it was all about the kids. As we’ve grown older together we remember just how important it is to spend time with each other. Everyday after work I try to make sure we do something even if it’s going for a walk or him sitting with me in the kitchen as I make dinner or vice versa. Gotta keep it fun and entertaining. We’ve been together almost 15 years it’s important.
Great tips! Totally agree small things make a big difference. Creating a date night and speaking positively definitely helps.
Your words have so much power. Wishing you and your family the best !
My husband and I have done a lot of these as well. Every night before bed we watch a show we don’t want our little to see. Being intentional about the time we spend together is so important
We struggle with number one and four but we have acknowledged the need to put each other first and schedule the time in order to withstand the years of raising our children. We get caught up in being parents that we forget we are married. Thank you for the tips and the reminder.
Holy cow did I need to read this today! Having a toddler and a healthy marriage is incredibly hard. I look forward to reading more of your future posts!
I absolutely love this and totally agree, like many other parents, my relationship almost fell apart the 1st year of our son’s life, but we had to dig deep and figure it out and I’m so grateful that we did. I love every single tip you provided especially doing self-care together!
This was a good read! Many new parents experience this, but it isn’t talked about as often. Thank you for the tips. I will definitely be using some of them.
This was such a great read. My partner and I struggled with this after we had our son and it was so hard. It’s definitely a process but it can de achieved.
It’s so easy to forget to take care of your partner when you’re overwhelmed with taking care of the little one. I will certainly be applying some of these tips! Thanks for the timely reminder!
Number 2 resonates with me so well. As a first time mom I wanted to experience it all and I was afraid for my son to connect with anyone outside of me. My mother wanted to stay longer and said no. I wish I hadn’t. If I knew now what I knew then.
I’m not married yet. But these are awesome tips for me to keep in mind for when the time does come. Great read!
What great tips Caressa! I am loving number 4. Gotta try that. Thanks for sharing.
Great post! I think every point was spot on great advice! Putting my husband first is a constant struggle for me but I agree that it is important for a healthy marriage! Beth @wisemommies
I can very much relate to this post. I’m always mindful about keeping a tight relationship with my husband post-baby. Having a baby really takes up a whole lot of our time and I do notice that we aren’t spending time with each other as much as we used to. We definitely need more of those date nights!
You share sseveral good ideas here. My favorite is the one about speaking fod things over your marriage. Our words have power so we shoulsd speak what we want life to be.
These are such great tips. We’re going through a time right now where I feel like we’ve bitten off a little more than we can chew. I needed this reminder that we need to put each other first, even in the middle of kids, building a house, commutes, etc. Thank you!
Making sure your spouse comes first is crucial! You gave some really good tips to help new moms navigate their way!
These are awesome tips. I’m definitely going to practice some of them with my husband, lol.
Such good advice for couples!
I love these ideas! My husband and I just had our first baby a couple months ago and implementing these things have helped a ton! Communicating what you need is so important in marriage and can be more difficult after a baby.
Some great tips here. Adjusting to life as three is really hard. Scheduling dates is really important because you need that time to remember who you really are as a couple still.
Some real good tips but very difficult to actually apply , after my second daughter is born we barely get tome to talk to each other .
These are awesome tips and I totally agree with them! We need to be more intentional about date nights here. I can’t remember the last time we had one.
Love this! So important! 🙂
These are such great tips for couples after baby arrives.
Such a great read! Thanks for the tips.
I can’t believe 1/5th of marriages happen within a first year of babies being born. That makes my heart so sad! I love all these tips so much and really think they will help so many women reconnect in their marriage!!!
These are great post-baby marriage tips! I love that you validate the option not getting a babysitter and staying home for those that are more comfortable doing so. I completely agree that partners must work together to find self-care time after baby arrives!
I am all for doing what works for you and your family! Thank you for reading!
What an important topic- so often we are so focused on the new baby, that we forget to take time to reconnect in marriage too. I love your recommendation to help each other keep up with self care.
Thank you! I found that it was easier when we both were practicing it because it helped to remove additional stress that caused for conflict.
Love these tips! I am pregnant so I will be referring back to this in the future.
Congratulations on your bundle of joy! Hope these tips are helpful for later.
Oh, my poor husband didn’t come first once the baby arrived! It is very difficult to have a date night when there is no one to help with the baby, but we tried to relax together once my son fell asleep!
Oh yes ma’am it definitely is. I know that I was lucky to have my mother at home with me and some days he had date night with out little it’s so hard.