My Breastfeeding Story And What I Wish I Knew

There was never a doubt in my mind if I was going to try breastfeeding. When people would ask, I would smile with excitement about how I planned to create this exceptional bond with my baby by feeding him my milk. People were always super supportive of my decision to breastfeed but often didn’t share their experience. And now looking back, it makes sense because the majority of people I’ve met have never breastfed or did for a very short amount of time. It’s a topic that many don’t share their experiences on in the belief that it may affect the feelings and decisions of other women around them.

As I share my breastfeeding story, I hope that it provides answers to questions you may have, act as inspiration, and help you feel that you can do it too. However , if breastfeeding does not work for you find peace in knowing that it is ok. I want to be transparent about my journey in hopes that a mom or future mom to be can use my lessons as a way to make their breastfeeding journey successful. A successful breastfeeding journey is a journey that allows you to be supported, respected, and valued as more than a mother, but a woman that is whole.

On September 11, 2019, at approximately 2:09 pm, I gave birth to my son Kai. As they handed him over, the nurse automatically prompted me to try to breastfeed. Tired, yet excited for my new bundle of joy I sat up in the hospital bed and removed my right breast from my hospital gown. Staring at him in amazement, I attempted to place my nipple into his mouth. I struggled as my breasts are large and were difficult to flatten. The nurse gently moved my breast to fit into his mouth. He squirmed slowly as she continued to try to maneuver my breast into his mouth. This continued for 10 minutes or so as we switched to try with the left breast. He took to the left breast easier but didn’t stay latched on for longer than a few minutes. As he removed his mouth from my nipple, I felt a sense of disappointment. Why didn’t he stay latched longer? Was he still hungry?  The nurse informed me that their stomachs were the size of a cherry at this age, but increased as they got the older. She also told me that my body would adjust to his need. This gave me a sense of relief that even though my first breastfeeding session wasn’t what I had expected that it would get better with time. Your first breastfeeding session is likely not to be easy, but don’t allow it to take your joy! You birthing a human is a great gift, and your lack of ability to breastfed early on is not an indication of you being a great mother.

As I continued to breastfeed that night with difficulty, my nurse decided to bring me a nipple shield. A nipple shield is designed to attach to your nipple and has holes at the tip that will be used for milk to flow through. Even though I wasn’t happy with the use of a nipple shield, I was excited that I was going to be able to still attempt to breast-feed. The remaining two nights in the hospital, I continued to use the nipple shield. What I found what works best is to wet the nipple shield and to invert it inward to attach to your nipple. The closer the holes are to your nipple the easier the milk is to get for the baby.

When I brought him home, we continued to use a nipple shield, until I realized that he was super fussy. One night I continued to try to breastfeed Kai and he wouldn’t stay latched. He would avoid the nipple and cry. Tears began to run down my eyes! I felt like a failure! How could I be a good mom if I couldn’t even feed my kid? I had to figure out something! So that day I decided to try my breast pump to remove milk. My nurse urged me not to use a breast pump into at least a few weeks in because my goal was to feed from the breast, but I didn’t listen. However, if your goal is to exclusively breast pump or your baby is in the NICU, you can then use the pump immediately.  I would feed my son from a bottle with whatever I removed from my breast but at this point, there wasn’t very much being produced. I felt like a failure but I wasn’t willing to give up on breastfeeding at that point.

Desperate to make a change, I decided to make an appointment with WIC to see a lactation consultant. You do not have to be on WIC in order to use their services. Lactation consultants can be expensive, so try using WIC first. The lactation consultant provided lots of knowledge that helped me to continue on my journey with breastfeeding. She had me attempt to breastfeed with and without the nipple shield. She informed me that nipple shields were oftentimes not the most beneficial. Because the milk has an additional layer to go through it slows down your milk production. Which means that my baby may have not been getting all the milk that he needed. She helped me work on my latching technique in the most helpful one to me was squishing my breast flat and tickling the top of his mouth with my nipple. Also getting your nipples to become hard made getting it into his mouth easier. I went home feeling excited and determined to make it work. Unfortunately, he didn’t take to my nipple as fast as I would like but I would take at least an hour out of the day to practice taking my nipple without a shield. About a week and a half of me continuously trying, Kai latched without the shield. I was so excited that I actually ended up crying. I even took a picture and sent it to my mother and husband. 

From that point on I was determined to not have to use a nipple shield ever again. Kai was approaching one month old and I wanted to enjoy the skin on skin contact that breastfeeding brought. As he got older I noticed that the breast-feeding sessions would become longer. Babies will often cluster feed when they are going through growth spurts and are very much normal. This does not necessarily mean that your baby isn’t getting enough milk. Even though, I honestly didn’t feel like I was keeping up with his demand well. These thoughts stressed me out heavily. And when I went to the doctor they urged me to start him on formula. My son had a low birth weight and they were worried that he may continue to lose too much weight. I went home and cried because I was so against him receiving anything that wasn’t coming from me. As the week passed, we slowly started to mix formula with breast milk.  This was the beginning of me slowly transitioning into pumping more often. Due to me being stressed, my milk production dropped from ounces to drops! Do whatever you have to do to manage your stress as it will kill your milk production.

This worked for the additional two months I was home from work. I would give him a small amount of milk in a bottle then latch him onto my breast. The reason it was done this way is that he was more likely to continue to try feeding on my breast me if he wasn’t super hungry. It also would allow him to be satisfied from the breast and not the bottle because he would get full at the breast. Once I returned to work it breastfeeding went downhill.  He had gotten so used to the bottle that my flow and the effort that he had to put in was no longer something that he wanted to do. I also believe that because I started him with a bottle relatively early that it also contributed to him being more comfortable with drinking from a bottle. 

I had two choices, I could quit or I could exclusively pump. Because I didn’t want to spend the additional money on buying more formula, I decided to exclusively pump. Exclusively pumping, in my opinion, is harder than feeding on the breast. Every three hours I would pump for about 15 minutes for his milk. Aim for pumping at least 8 times a day, but if this isn’t possible try pumping for longer amounts of time when you do pump. I would use the milk from the previous session to feed him while I was pumping. This kept him from being upset while I was pumping and allowed me to be able to relax. Relaxing my body while pumping often lead to me creating more milk during the session.

The key to exclusively pumping for me was to always feed my baby while I was pumping because as he got older and more active it was very difficult for me to pump without him wanting to be held at the same time. I would prop his bottle up next to me and sit him in a Boppy. Always feed your baby at an angle, whether you are pumping or feeding on the breast as this helps with spitting up. We continued this routine until he was about nine months. I kept on gaining weight, even though I was told that I would lose weight while breastfeeding. Because of the breastfeeding around the clock, I was snacking all the time. I began to question if I could really make it to 12 months because I was so unhappy with how I looked. You may not lose weight while breastfeeding, but picking better options to snack on can help you not pack on the pounds.

When my son turned nine months I decided to quit breastfeeding. And honestly looking back on the decision I felt that I should’ve just continued to make it to my goal. However, this won’t be the same for everyone. Do whatever is going to make you the happiest and sanest. If you find that continuing to breast-feed is making you mentally unstable, STOP! At that time I was so over breastfeeding. Even if I was to continue, I wasn’t making enough milk for my son. But hindsight is 2020. I could’ve very well have continued but looking at the specific space that I was in at the time, breastfeeding was hurting me more than it was helping. My journey is unique because I started off breastfeeding, had to supplement with formula, and then began to exclusively pump so I have experience doing everything pertaining to breastfeeding. And now that I look back I am so thankful for my experiences because I feel that I can contribute to the conversation of breast-feeding in a way that provides insight on the multiple ways that you can breastfeed. Here are some additional things that I wish I known while breast-feeding and also some tips to make the process easier.

1. Manage your stress the best you can or it can kill your milk supply.

2. Always keep additional flanges and pump parts in your car.

3. Try to avoid a nipple shield as it will usually slow down your milk production.

4. Just because your baby is crying doesnt mean they are hungry. However, if they are continuing to lose way, find a solution that is comfortable for you and baby.

5. Sign up for all the formula companies’ subscriptions to get coupons to save on formula if you have to use it.

6. Breastfeeding is very difficult to do without support so make sure that your family, spouse, and friends are on board with your decision.

7. You are not a bad mother if you decide to not breastfeed or breastfeed for a short amount of time.

8. Keep Lanolin cream handy everywhere for when your nipples get sore.

9. If your baby feeds for long periods of time, they may just be cluster feeding. Do not assume that they are not getting enough milk, unless there are other signs.

10. Breastfeeding should not be painful, so if there is pain it may be an indication of an incorrect latch. (This does not apply if you nipples are sore)

11. Lactation vitamins, supplements, etc are only temporary fixes and will cost you lots of money. Try power pumping, pumping more often, and pumping at night to increase your milk supply.

12. Get rid of clogged ducts by exfoliating with a towel or gentle, yet aggressive rub. You can also use heat via a heating pad, hot shower, or warm compress with massaging motions to make it easier to clear the duct.

13. Train baby not to bite. When they bite for the first time, try not to show emotion. Remove them from your breast and place them across the room. This way they equate biting with distance from mom, which they do not want.

Please share this post on social media, if you feel that it was helpful to you. I appreciate it very much!

XO,

The Imperfect Woman