Ar·gue definition: give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one’s view.
There comes a time in everyone’s relationship where an argument will happen. And how to argue effectively is a skill that often takes time and patience as you build your relationship.
My husband and I met at the age of 20 and being together 7 years , we have had our fair share of arguments. And to be completely honest, how we went about those arguments haven’t always been the healthiest. We would yell and scream at each other trying to get our point across to the other. But in doing this NO ONE was heard, and it left each of us feeling drained. We got to a point in our relationship where we knew something had to change. With the help of age maturing us and a counselor we have become very effective in arguing in a way that is beneficial to the overall success of the relationship.
In no way am I an expert on relationships, but what I can do is share what has worked for our relationship. I hope this post helps to encourage you and give insight into having healthy and meaningful arguments with your significant other.
DONT TAKE EVERYTHING PERSONALLY
Oftentimes when people say hurtful things, it is often a reflection of how they feel about themselves or things that they have not chosen to deal with. And no this doesn’t give them a reason to speak negatively , but it does give you an opportunity as a partner to either reinforce that thought process or choose to help them heal from it. Everyone comes with some sort of baggage and it often comes out in disagreements. Just because your partner says something hurtful, doesn’t mean you need say something mean back. Your goal should always be to pour into your partner, even when things aren’t the easiest. As a person God only holds you accountable for your actions, so keep in mind what you choose to say as words have power.
MAKE SURE YOUR REASONING IS PERSONAL TO YOU
Negative traits are passed down from generation to generation. And people continue to do these things because is often all they know. You may have seen certain things fail in other relationships and try to apply it to yours. Now your reason becomes more about other people and not you. This can be bothersome to your partner because all they are hearing is that you have a problem because of what others have said or did. Think long and hard about why this issue is important to YOU. Scratch what your friends, aunties, uncles, parents have said because it may work for them but not you and that’s ok.
LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND , NOT TO RESPOND
Ladies, we are good for doing this. Before our man gets to finish his sentence, we already have a rebuttal and receipts for what he is about to say. I am so guilty of this, until our marriage counselor made it clear that this is not a healthy way to approach arguments. Because somewhere in what your partner is saying, there is their TRUTH. And you do not have to agree with their truth for the argument to be effective, but you must be able to understand how this may be affecting them. So instead of being ready to respond, listen to what they are saying and then speak what they are saying to them in your own words. Once you have told them that this is how you believe that they feel, then your partner can either answer yes that’s how I feel or no it isn’t. If it is how they feel, from that point you can then speak with purpose about your feelings. This way your partner now has the ability to address their feelings and yours, while you are both being LISTENED to.
ARGUE ALONE
Never start arguments in front of others. This allows others to insert their opinions of the problem into your relationship. And this also allows individuals to sometimes feel that they have to put on a show for the people watching. Neither is healthy for a successful relationship. Set aside time in a room for you to discuss your issues. This gets rid of the outside noise that others may bring. However, if arguing with this person has become physical before, I would not advise for you to argue at all. If you are still wanting to work on the relationship, having a neutral person such as a counselor would be best practice. Also , try to never argue in front of children as they can pick up the negative habits that they have observed from you. Instead talk to them about how to effectively get their point across without putting the other person down.
remeMber your why
Remember why you are with this person. This argument is likely not to last and you guys will find your happiness again. If you plan on making your relationship long term, you must remember what made you attracted to this person in the first place. The storm will pass, and the arguments will be laughable later. However, if your significant other is not willing to make changes for the betterment of your relationship, don’t allow your previous memories to allow you to stay either. All people change, but not everyone changes or is willing to change for the better. Know and be honest in your situation, as this does not apply to every relationship. If you and your partner are arguing and are making strides to change , chances are its because you both care and are willing to work it out to make things better.
Being with my husband for 7 years has matured me as a woman and has made me better. But the better, didn’t come without some hiccups. Being able to find effective ways to argue is key to any successful relationship. However, to argue effectively both people must be willing to put in the work to make it happen. You can’t argue with yourself. Just like you can’t make the relationship work by yourself. I will always be an advocate for counseling, but both people must be willing to participate to make it effective. If you have other ways that you’ve learned to argue effectively, please do not hesitate to comment down below. I am so thankful for everyone reading this and am hoping that you find some helpful tips for your relationship.
Please share this post on social media, if you feel that it was helpful to you. I appreciate it very much!
XO,
The Imperfect Woman
Such a beautiful couple! Thank you for sharing your perspective and how it has grown and strengthened your relationship! Loved this post
Thank you Lacey! I believe these are things that will help anyone along their journey to being their best self.
Man oh man, not taking things personally hit me hard. Because I’m emotional when it comes to my relationship and I never want to feel like I’m lacking. Thanks so much for sharing this sis.
Thank you for reading! I definitely used to take things personally but found out real quick that my feelings would always be hurt.
This was a good read, I really enjoyed it.
Thank you for your support!
Thanks for sharing 😊
It took me awhile to learn not to take everything so personally!
It definitely does take time but when you figure it out things get easier!
These tips are phenomenal! I remember my premarriage counselor telling us about listening to what the person is saying too.
Girl yes this is hard but necessary ! Listening is a skill most people are bad at so it truly does have to be learned.
Girl that “listen to understand…….” is everything. It what I’ve been working on for years and in a better place. Grew up with a lot of strong women who could “hold their own” so we’re very defensive and that’s the role I used to take. Great post.
Yes I totally understand ! Its great to be strong , but it shouldnt hinder your success in your relationship!
This was awesome!
These are some great points that you’ve made. I think these things your learn along the way.
Definitely along the way! Without going through the relationship, it would have definitely taken me longer!
Remembering my why is how I get through the rough parts of marriage… being a military wife feels like, to me anyway, like the rough patches seem 5 times worse lol. These tips are so helpful to me because I want to be more effective with my communication so my children can learn healthy skills!
Yes this is so important because kids are sponges and will pick up whatever they see us doing.
Love it, arguing is healthy if you perform it well with precautions, remember we are two different people in a relationship. I always like listening and not say anything, in the beginning, to listen and have my respond properly. Thank you for sharing your lovely photos.
Thank you I totally agree you should not lose yourself in your relationship and we must be quicker to listen than respond.
These are great tips Caressa. My guy & I have been together almost 7 years too & have definitely had our fair share of arguments! I think both of us have struggled with listening & taking things personal.
We have all been there but the beauty is that over time we learn to be better communicators! Thank you for reading
Learning to not take things so personal is my biggest thing! I’m starting to be more conscious of this. This has been the best first step -acknowledging. Know I’m working on ways to not immediately get in my feelings, but access the situation for what it is to move forward. Thanks for sharing!!!
Wonderfully said, accessing the situation for what it is helps us to remove the additional emotions that can stop us from seeing clearly
We’ve been married for 16 years and I feel like this is something that we are always tweaking. There are always new struggles that come up during a marriage, but having great communication is a must.
A literal must ! And congratulations on 16 years of marriage!
Great tips!! I know you say you aren’t an expert, but I know this list will help others!! 🙂
Aw thank you so much ! This comment made my day
This was so good! I agree with all of these especially the ones about not involving others. That never does anybody any good!
No good because people will make it bigger than it needs to be!
My husband and I have been married almost 15 years. These are great tips to arguing effectively. I really agree with the arguing alone and not in front of other people. There are many reasons not to do this. Thanks for the reminders.
Thank you for reading ! What a blessing to be married for 15 years!
Lord knows I need these tips! I’m getting better though. Thanks for the tips
No problem! Thank you for reading
This is great! I love the fighting alone, as we arent yellers but try hard not to argue in front of our boys.
Oh yes! Kids are sponges and we dont want them picking up negative things from us as parents.
Great tips and perspective on arguments!
Thank you!
Great tips. Thank you.
No thank you!
I LOVE your point about listening to understand. So important to actually hear your partner out. Thanks for this!
This establishes a better connection as well .
You’re totally right! There’s a huge difference in listening to understand vs. listening to respond! We should always be striving to understand!
Heck yes! Saving this for later. My husband and I don’t always agree, and arguing to the point of hurting one another happens too often.
Great post! I totally agree. I try to remember the big picture and our why as well.
Listening to understand and not to respond is a big thing in our house. Something we try to work on. Great tips, nurturing relationships is an ongoing process. You have to put in the work!
Trying to listen instead of planning a response is a big one. Thanks for the tips. Adorable family.
These are great tips thanks! its really easy to forget to stay calm and think rationally but yet so important in a relationship.
I love these tips! especially number three!
I love this and it’s always a learning curve to get arguing right. Great post !
Last night, I took a screenshot of the “don’t take it personal section” as a way to remind myself. This morning, something was said that felt hurtful. I remembered reading this, and chose a different reaction than I think I probably would have otherwise. Thank you.
These are all great tips, some of which I’ve already applied. I especially like “don’t take everything personally” because I’m good for it 😂
I can relate for sure! My husband and I had got a counselor as well. She really allowed us to see each other’s point of views, because we had to listen and put our own emotions on the back burner for the moment.
We do tend to take things personally, but what I’ve learned over time is that when we truly understand our partner we wouldn’t easily get offended. Great read! 💕