In society, we tend to romanticize everything about relationships from the dates and gifts, to the walk down the aisle. But in relationships, especially marriage, we don’t talk enough about the challenges and unlearning that is often done to get the best out of your significant other. Even though I have only been married for 4 years, it feels like an eternity because of what we have been able to experience together. But this post is not about the gushy and feel good stuff, it’s about the things that have pushed me to grow in times when I thought I had nothing left. And through these realizations, I have come out a better person being married to my husband.
There are things I wish I knew before getting married that contributed to some of the rough patches my husband and I experienced. Sometimes I question that if I was told these things earlier, would it have helped my relationship. Could these things have saved me some of the hurt that I went through with my husband? The truth is no one knows, but what I have learned has allowed me to get to a place where I can say that I am comfortable in my position and role as a wife. Being a wife is more than what meets the eye. It’s a role that embodies sacrifice and understanding that will enhance the person that is your spouse. And vice versa. These are a few things that I learned in my marriage that I feel will be helpful to your journey no matter your relationship status.
1. A HAPPY MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE
Giving others around you access to cause conflict in your marriage is a recipe for disaster. When you get others involved, they are likely not to forgive the negative things that your spouse did, even though you have moved on. This can affect how they view your spouse and how they interact with them from that point on. Early on in our relationship, I would call friends or family members when we were having issues, sometimes family and friends who had no business giving advice on married issues. If you can, keep family out of your conflict as much as possible and lean into the support of other married couples who can come from a place that will build up your marriage. We have a couple we confide in when we want to vent and it has helped to keep each of us accountable for what was said and the actions that need to take place, without getting the family involved. The only people that should be making decisions in your marriage are you, your spouse, and God.
2. UNDERSTANDING YOUR PARTNERS LOVE LANGUAGE/S IS ESSENTIAL
It took me a while to get on the bandwagon of love languages and If I had done it earlier, it could have saved me a lot of guesswork. There were times where we would argue about feeling like the other wasn’t listening, understanding, and willing to do what was needed. This caused each of us to feel like the other was being neglectful of our desires and the things we needed to be our best selves. I highly suggest that you and your partner sit down and take the love languages quiz so that you both can get a concrete understanding of how you each perceive and receive love. My love language is gifts and words of affirmation, while my husband’s is physical touch. He would much rather me shower him with kisses and physical contact than with something new. And even though I love my hubby’s kisses, gifts are what I truly appreciate.
3. being married will not solve your desire to be happy
The act of calling someone husband and wife only holds the weight of what relationship you have with that person. Your spouse is not solely responsible for making you happy. That is something that you must decide to be daily. Your spouse should be a source of your happiness, but not the only reason you wake up and go through your day. This thinking is dangerous because your emotional health is dependent on how another flawed human treats you. Your worth and value are never dependent on the actions of others. Your primary source of happiness should come from things that speak to you as an individual. My husband makes me happy, but even before he was even in the picture (and even now), I work/ed at being a person who was happy with who I was without anybody standing next to me.
4.you should love yourself more than you love your spouse
This one may ruffle some feathers, but just hear me out. When you love yourself more, your less likely to allow others to disrespect, neglect, and mistreat you blindly. I have seen so many women love their men to the fact that they will kill themselves physically, emotionally, and mentally to keep the peace of what they think is a “happy home”. A happy home comes from honesty and the ability to pivot and change for the better of the unit. And because I love myself more, I treat myself with the care that I need which reinforces how my husband should treat me. People will often look at how you treat yourself as an indication of how they will treat you. Loving yourself more doesn’t make you selfish, it makes it easier to say no to being treated less than what God has called you to be as a wife or significant other.
5. marriage exacerbates the problems you had before, they don’t disappear
The same issues that we experienced before marriage are the exact same ones we have dealt with in our marriage. Ask yourself, can you deal with those same issues for the rest of your life? If those issues are deal-breakers for you as you think about them, then that is an indication that you may not want to marry that person. When I walked down the aisle, I knew that all the things I didn’t like about my husband weren’t enough to make me not want to live life out with him forever. However, if your partner switches things up on you after marriage, that is a totally different issue that you will have to call. It happens, so don’t feel that you are obligated to stay if that person is not holding up their end of the bargain of what you know you can’t deal with. If my husband doesn’t change from this point on, I am content with the person that he is and the things that he does for me. We are all flawed and will fall short but pay attention to the problems you are having and do a deep dive to reflect on if you could deal with those things long term.
Marriage is what you make it. We have all seen people in our lives that had terrible marriages, and others who seemed like they were always floating on cloud nine. Being a great husband or wife is all about your dedication to making sure that you are able to function as the best version of yourself with the encouragement of your partner. Even though I grew up watching more unhappy marriages than happy ones, I never thought to myself that I didn’t want to be married. I just knew I had to be intentional about how I wanted to present myself, who I needed in a partner and my overall deal breakers. Don’t allow society to talk you out of the beauty that marriage can be but know yourself and the things that fuel you. The person you plan to call your spouse should be willing to fuel the person you are by supporting your goals and dreams. A supported spouse also makes for a happy spouse, to spend your days with.
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XOXO,
The Imperfect Woman
Caressa, after being married over a decade I could not agree with this list anymore. Marriage is truly a commitment and you from it what you put into it. It’s also about your dedication to put in the work. In a marriage you are a team and should approach it as such because you are not at war with each other. Lastly but as you stated but very important keep your family out of your business! Loved this blog post
Yes to all of this especially that part about marriage being what you make it. You have to be willing to put in the work and of course love yourself more so that can continue TJ teach your partner how you need to be loved. Great read!
Surely getting married is not the tomb of love, only that maybe some dreams or desires become more difficult afterwards and maybe having them realized later would have allowed us not to live with regrets.
You truly dropped some gems here sis! Every single point 1-5 are valid ESPECIALLY not holding your spouse solely responsible for your happiness. Love this!
This was a great post and I agree with them all. I am a firm believer in love languages and revisiting them after major life changes as they due tend to change. Mines changes after becoming a mom.
Caressa,
This was such a great blog post. All of these points were on point. I love the love language point. It’s so important to love your partner/spouse how they want and not how you want.
Bestfriend you always come through with the message. I totally agree with all dat!!
Number 5 though. You hit the nail on every head with all five of these things. Learning your spouses love language is the secret sauce.
Great read Caressa.. as per usual! #1 was something I course corrected shortly after we started dating! & I can for sure vouch for #3! Not married yet but just being in a longterm relationship has really shown me that finding happiness in myself & things outside of my partner, are very important. These are great tips to reflect on.
Love this!!! Especially about being having your own happiness!
This is a perfect list. I feel blessed that we did have people tp help us walk through these issues before we got married. However, these are things we need to continually remember all throughout our marriage. I know it’s easy for me to forget my husband’s love language and default to showing my love out of my own love language instead, so I need to remind myself of that one often.
This is a great post, I think a lot of people think marriage is easier than it really is, it takes a lot of work and sacrifices on both sides to make them work. If one “partner” is more selfish than the other it will never work well.
Great post! I agree with all your pointers and esp about marriage between 2 people. Instead of involving others its about growing and learning with each other. We celebrated 18 years in the summer and are still evolving in our relationship!
All of this!! We’re always sold the love story but we’re not Taught how to Roll Up our sleeves and Make it. This Is a Great list to follow not just for marriage but for dating/In a relationship too.
Those last 3 man if those aren’t the truth. Surprisingly I was told the first two and it has helped a lot. But number 3 I had to learn that the hard way being married definitely did not make me magically happier like I thought it would. These are so great to know.
Very good points Caressa, number 4 hits the spot for me. I always like to hear from young couples.
Caressa this was a beautifully written post! I agree with each point that you made. Having been married a little over a year now, I have learned about each point you made personally as well. I highly resonate with number 1 and number 3. This is such an amazing post that all couples need to read whether married or not!